Many of us are reinventing (glamorous word) ourselves with what little remains after the last two years. I’m one of these people. Most of what I’d built up before February 2020 is long gone, but most of what I had I don’t miss. After a few years of preparation (and hiatus), “Home” is now several thousand miles and an ocean away, along with every good day and bad job I ever had. I’m at the very beginning of the Great Rebuild, in every sense of the phrase. Financially? Hard yes. Emotionally? Big time. Physically? I haven’t decided if I emerged from lockdown older and hotter than I was, but I did toss 95% of my belongings to move, so I'll go with a dry mhm.
This Great Rebuild is exciting, in the way that it’s exciting to reach the top of a big hill on a warm day. It’s actually exhausting (spoiler alert!), and there are some pretty intense moments of heavy self-doubt. It also feels endless–because it is–as in this is it; this is the rest of my life. If I had a bucket list, this big boy was on it. I worked a ton, saved up my money and took a massive leap, and now I’m forever an outsider (and forever “from Chicago”). Turns out being a loner and being lonely are different. Who knew? (I did.)
Now it’s all about the milestones. Sometimes a milestone is buying a frying pan. Sometimes it’s a perfect exchange in Portuguese with the cashier at the grocery store, or havin’ a few good days in a row. Once in a while it’s a situation that uncovers the profound emotional scarring that developed from my decade (+) in the service industry (iykyk), forcing me to reckon with the fact that I am still learning. Identifying toxic people + environments before they do damage is like trying to roll a cig in the wind. Establishing an internal monologue that’s loving, patient and kind isn’t as easy as I’d assumed it’d be. Optimism is ...new and weird, but I like it. As grueling as the call to recognize my own follies can be, I accept them, write it out and get back on the bike. I see the challenge to expand as proof that I am ever growing and moving forward, even when I cannot detect it.
I’d like to write more about the Great Rebuild here in Europe, and I think I’ll work toward sharing more here. The Pursuit of Contentment and the Anxiety Forcefield are two big space-takers in my mind, so they may take a bit of space here as well. Those few specifics aside, there are no rules here, and I won’t promise a theme or limitation. Tudo Bem is everybody’s snack, and a place to share what I’m working on directly with my funny and well-dressed readers. Also, probably drawings of butts.
Welcome to the bottom. ✌️ See you in a bit.
–Ash